Being the product of a parent who is mentally ill?

When I was 8 yrs old I was sexually abused by a male babysitter and after that my world fell spectacularly apart, and the only thing I really remember was did I do this?

Years and years I blamed myself thinking I brought on my moms mental illness because I allowed him to touch me, lets not talk about the threats he told my 8 yr old self, and I felt afraid for my family but I just remember feeling like I did this it was not till I was 14 that I finally had my answer that I was not the reason but my situation was probably the trigger and that was not my fault cause it was something my mother was born with and did not know what it was.

As soon as I told my mother what the abuser was doing I just remember cops, courts and therapist and my mom shutting down on me but so very focused but distant she was of course supportive and loving but I could tell it was like the coin was turned it was hurt and hate and defeat in her eyes.

I will save you the details cause it is long and will sound like I am whining but needless to say my mom became dispondent, unexplained crying fits and then extreme highs on top of them she was throwing up she had eating disorder we moved closer to my grandparents and eventually my mom was in and out of hospital the loonie bin for better choice of words. My world continued for years of me moving in and out of relatives house and I never felt like I really belonged anywhere. Everyone of course did the best they could my older brother who I looked up too was all together just as lost as he just pretended like it was not an issue and never checked on me or helped me he barely spoke to my mother and seemed at times he was just lost.

When you are a child growing up in chaos and no one explaining what is wrong or how it will be fixed is hard on a child maybe that is why I am very open and very blunt with my babies now I never want them to feel that sense of confusion. Eventually my mother was diagnosed with Bi polar and bulimia nervosa from there it was her going to UBC hospital for almost 3 years and me with family and at a school I hated, with people who would talk about my mom like she was crazy and family member who would tell me nothing and my anger and frustration just kept mounting till one day I told my who family at a family dinner that the were all assholes and that my mom  was sick not fucked up.

It was in that moment I took my power back shortly after that I told my mom that when she came home I was going home with her and I was not staying with these assholes (I got in trouble for the swearing). I did get what I wanted in the end my mom regardless how fucked up as a parent is they are that childs life, they are that childs world I never felt I was not wanted by my mother, or that she did not love me she was just struggling and doing the best she could with the tools she had been given in life !

Skip ahead to now and my mom and I have had many many conversations about those dark times and the guilt she felt for not being the mom I deserved I just looked at her with a shocked look and explained that I never once blamed her was I angry with the situation and why us but never once did I blame her ever. I use to go to her therapy sessions with her to learn more about her illness and to talk to her doctors cause I needed the tools to know how to deal with her when she was on a high or a low. I got more help from those sessions then she did I believe she always asks how I am so “normal and use common sense and smarts” I just laugh and say cause I listened to your therapists lol

My mom is strong woman she has been through so much and she truly is the strongest person I know we laugh now about what transpired in those days but we are at peace with it ! I was having a conversation with a kinky friend of mine and asked me do you think cause of your upbringing do you think it has to do with why you are now in to the kink?

I had to sit back and think of that logically and I can honestly say that I don’t know why do any of us choose kink ?

I think our past influences our likes, dislikes , or emotions or wants, desires. I don’t think mine is connected to my love of the kink lifestyle. What I do know is it has influence why I am the way I am…. People always say I am softie then they see my vicious side  go wth who are you ?

I get angry when I am attacked verbally, emotionally I think cause when I was younger and my family was talking about my mother like she was no better then a dog that I felt like I had no voice, choice or way to say stop! I am very accepting of all people because I was around alot of different folks with mental or physical disabilities as a child and knew that they did not choose this for themselves, I was always taught treat others the way they want to be treated so that is what I do and maybe it may seem I am weak or softie but im not I am just me the person that believe in equality for all. We don’t know what it is like to walk in someones shoes so why would we judge them?

I am proud to be who I am has it been a easy journey oh hell no… would I change nope and the reason why is I believe we are given pain to learn to survive, struggle to learn to enjoy, and fight and hurt to learn to love .

I have learned to love every aspect of me good and bad and still learning everyday, I am finding that I am stubborn but fragile, and humor I use like a armour do many people really know me? No cause I don’t allow them till I know I can trust them and that is something I learning to get over but every girl needs her secret right ?

So the next time you want to judge think about it cause you never know who they are and unless you are willing to get to know them then don’t waste there time or yours. Love, live and laugh to the fullest and be kind you would be amazed at where it will take you…I know it has brought to pretty amazing and beautiful souls in my life.

Mental illness is just that ILLNESS not a title, or something to be made fun of take the time if you don’t know and look in to it mental illness covers such a broad spectrum of illness’s but in the end it is just human being that are learning to fight the darkness and manage as best they can…That is what breaks my heart cause there is no magic pill for them they have to deal with it a lot of time just something that will help them manage but never be cured.

So be patient with your loved one, accept them for who they are and love them unconditionally cause they are your people your blood and tell them how you feel never hold it in cause that in the end just hurts you….

Kiki Slade

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